So, the other day I was cleaning up our truck because it has become a life-sucking money pit and we were going to look for a new car and would be potentially trading it in. I wanted it to look nice and shiny on the outside to help hide its evil inner soul. The mechanic gave us a subtle hint as to the fate of the truck the last time we took it in. We took it in because it was spewing a chocolate milk colored substance all over the driveway and I didn’t remember filling the chocolate milk reservoir under the hood. To quote the mechanic, “I’d git this thang fixed up real good this time and than sell it as fast as you can, cause it ‘aint gonna give you nothin’ but heartache (misspellings added).” And of course we didn’t “Sell it as fast as we can,” and of course it went back to the mechanic. We are now subleasing our backyard for sheep grazing in an attempt to pay the repair bills.
Anyway, as I was giving the truck what I hoped was its final scrub, I found myself having a conversation with the truck, it went something like this.
Me: You know, it didn’t have to end up like this.
Truck: (silence)
Me: It’s just... you really let yourself go
Truck: (silence)
Me: I mean, we gave you every advantage we could afford. We even rode our bikes to work and school for five years to keep your mileage down.
Truck: And how do you think that made me feel, seeing the other cars getting to go out and experience the world while I just sat there covered in oak sap? You heard the mechanic; the rust came from not being used.
Me: We didn’t know! We thought it was good for you. But that’s not even the point. Look at yourself lately… lower ball joints? Really? And the mechanic said the upper ball joints aren’t far behind. I mean, that’s just basic hygiene.
Truck: Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point? Why bother?
Me: Don’t talk like that; we had some good times too!
Truck: Oh yeah, like what?
Me: What about the everglades? You got to carry the canoe.
Truck: That thing’s a piece of crap!
Me: HEY! I know it’s not pretty, but it’s reliable. Unlike….
Truck: What?
Me: Nothing. There were all those trips to the beach. Those were fun, right?
Truck: You mean the ones where you wouldn’t pay the three bucks to drive on the beach? Man, I’ve got 4 wheel drive. I was made for that stuff. But like you would even know. How many times did you even put me in 4 wheel drive? Three? Four?
Me: You’re right. Maybe we could have taken a little better care of… (Trails off as I notice power steering fluid dripping off a gasket on the front steering arm, which I already replaced once)
Truck: You were saying?
Me: Nothing. We’re done here. I’m gonna vacuum and we’re done.
Truck: What did I say? Oh, come on. I’ll do better.
Me: (silence)
Truck: I’ll get better gas mileage.
Me: (silence)
Truck: I’m paid for. Can’t beat that. Come on! No payments… That’s nice, right?
The truck’s pleadings were soon drowned out by the roar of my shop vac. Which, on a side note, has enough suction to pick up a 10 pound boat anchor. No, really it does. I know from experience. You’ve gotta be careful where you aim it because you may unintentionally shop vac stuff you don’t want to.
To our dismay we came home with the truck, but there is always next weekend. I hope it dies a slow painful death in a scrap yard, slowly having its last usable parts ripped from its core until there is nothing left but a shell of its former self. Or not, whatever.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Follow me to Freedom
I recently had the "opportunity" to hike the Freedom Trail through downtown Boston. Not really having any idea what the Freedom Trail was, I had many grand ideas swirling in my head. My first thought was that it was the trail that William Wallace hiked after he screamed "Freedom!" in the movie Braveheart. Turns out his head was lopped off shortly after that, so he wasn't hiking anywhere. So I ruled that out. Ok, so I guess that was my only thought. What I found out is the Freedom Trail is a red line painted on the sidewalk that zigs and zags through downtown linking "historic" sites and just happens to pass through the shopping district like, 18 times.
I didn't really pay a whole lot of attention, but if someone at some point did use the Freedom Trail to escape from someone (or something?), the red line would make it easy know how to find Freedom... and would be really easy for the pursuers to know where you went. Maybe not the best idea if you are being chased. I got to see all kinds of fascinating sites, like Mother Goose's grave, Starbucks, and Paul Revere's church. You know, "One if by land, Two if by sea, Three if you really don't care." (I added that last part).
The point of all this is, that about halfway through (what seemed like about 22 miles into the trail) the Freedom Trail runs through a big courtyard surrounded by, you guessed it, Freedom Shops. These shops were the ones that our Fore (Four) (What? I have four dads?) Fathers shopped at, like Crate & Barrel and Banana Republic. I actually think that at Paul Revere's time they were fighting for their freedom from the Banana Republic, but that may not be quite historically accurate. Like I said, I didn't pay much attention.
Anyway, in this courtyard is your usual cornucopia of "street performers." The human statute, the jugglers, and the hip hop dance troupe to name a few. We walked up as the crowd was building and the hip hoppers were reaching the climax of their show. So picture this, a big speaker hooked up to a beat-down boombox, all duct-taped to a wheeled moving dolly. It really is the ultimate in portable music. So I'm standing and watching these 6 "brothas" (their words, not mine) wow the crowd with their clever wit and magical moves. At the same time that I'm being drawn into the beat of the music, I hear another voice out of my left ear; it starts out small and barely audible but gets closer and louder. I could only hear bits and pieces between the laughter and cheers of the crowd. It went something like this:
Right ear: ...need a volunteer from the crowd... you will do... come on out here.
Left Ear: ...Join Us...Bloodshed...Traitor... Death
Right Ear: Alright Boston, make some noise for our volunteer!!!! YEEEAAAHHHH!! (cheers)
Left Ear: ...Exciting... History... War...FREEDOM!!!
At this point I look over to see where this intriguing monologue was coming from and I saw him. Tights, puffy shirt, hat with a feather. I guess they call this "period attire." What that period it was I don't really know, I didn't realize dork was a period (that was mean, and I apologize) but two things became obvious: he was advertising Freedom Trail tours and he had to walk exactly on the red line painted on the ground (The Freedom Trail). I don't know if that last point was expressly written in his employment contract or just personal preference, but it was clear, he was sticking to his guns.
Right Ear: Alright Boston, my buddy Stringbean here will attempt to jump over, count 'em: 1...2...3...4...5...6 brothas...and one white kid (The volunteer). (Crowd laughs)
Left Ear: (Marching up and down along the crowd but staying exactly on the line) Tours begin soon... Come joins us for intrigue, deceit, and treason!! Learn about the history of this great city!
About this time a police car went flying by with its lights and sirens on and all 7 brothas simultaneously hit the deck and assumed different "I'm being arrested positions," leaving the white kid standing alone with a confused look on his face. The mostly white crowd went silent and for a second I thought things were going to get a bit awkward. It turns out that they were just inhaling really deep in order to let out a roaring raucous laughter. After the sirens died down the MC said something to the effect of "Wow, things are different here than in New York," and the crowd laughed again.
Right ear: (Dancers and white kid are lined up shoulder to shoulder and bent at the waist) Alright Boston, we have done this enough to know that as soon as Stringbean jumps over, count 'em: 1...2...3...4...5...6 brothas...and one white kid you are all going to leave. So we've gotta ask you for one favor... If you've enjoyed this show...
Left Ear: (At about this time, the crowd spilled over the line, blocking the freedom trail) Please join us...(trying to push his way through the crowd while staying on the line) Amazing tours... Um excuse me...excuse me...I'm trying to get through. Freedom Tours starting on the hour!
Right Ear: Open your wallets and take out 5... Or 10 dollars....and give us the rest (crowd laughs). No, really! If you give us 5 dollars we'll go home with full bellies...if you give us 10 dollars we'll go home feeling like we really made your day...
Left ear: (Now enveloped by the crowd, he can't move, but is determined to not get off the line) Freedom Tra...(crowd cheers) Join us at the top of the ho...(crowd applause) Learn abo...(laughter)
Right ear: And if you give us 20 dollars we'll go home... with you. No really, we'll ride home with you and do whatever you want us to. (crowd laughs)
Left ear: (Having had every attempt to yell immediately cut off by the crowd cheering for the duct taped boombox dance group, and stuck sandwiched in the enemies crowd by personal resolve to not leave the line he had no choice but to join them) Freedom tra... Excuse me... You know what... Whatever, ...GO STRINGBEAN!!!
It was at about this point we left. I don't know if Stringbean cleared, count 'em: 1...2...3...4...5...6 brothas...and one white kid, and I don't know if the crowd ever cleared enough for the Freedom tour guy to continue along his way, but I did learn two things. First, breakdancing and sideways hats will always draw a bigger crowd than history and puffy shirts and tights. And secondly, it's ok for black people to make fun of stereotypes about racial profiling in a large crowd of white people.
The Freedom trail really was a learning experience.
I didn't really pay a whole lot of attention, but if someone at some point did use the Freedom Trail to escape from someone (or something?
The point of all this is, that about halfway through (what seemed like about 22 miles into the trail) the Freedom Trail runs through a big courtyard surrounded by, you guessed it, Freedom Shops. These shops were the ones that our Fore (Four) (What? I have four dads?) Fathers shopped at, like Crate & Barrel and Banana Republic. I actually think that at Paul Revere's time they were fighting for their freedom from the Banana Republic, but that may not be quite historically accurate. Like I said, I didn't pay much attention.
Anyway, in this courtyard is your usual cornucopia of "street performers." The human statute, the jugglers, and the hip hop dance troupe to name a few. We walked up as the crowd was building and the hip hoppers were reaching the climax of their show. So picture this, a big speaker hooked up to a beat-down boombox, all duct-taped to a wheeled moving dolly. It really is the ultimate in portable music. So I'm standing and watching these 6 "brothas" (their words, not mine) wow the crowd with their clever wit and magical moves. At the same time that I'm being drawn into the beat of the music, I hear another voice out of my left ear; it starts out small and barely audible but gets closer and louder. I could only hear bits and pieces between the laughter and cheers of the crowd. It went something like this:
Right ear: ...need a volunteer from the crowd... you will do... come on out here.
Left Ear: ...Join Us...Bloodshed...Traitor... Death
Right Ear: Alright Boston, make some noise for our volunteer!!!! YEEEAAAHHHH!! (cheers)
Left Ear: ...Exciting... History... War...FREEDOM!!!
At this point I look over to see where this intriguing monologue was coming from and I saw him. Tights, puffy shirt, hat with a feather. I guess they call this "period attire." What that period it was I don't really know, I didn't realize dork was a period (that was mean, and I apologize) but two things became obvious: he was advertising Freedom Trail tours and he had to walk exactly on the red line painted on the ground (The Freedom Trail). I don't know if that last point was expressly written in his employment contract or just personal preference, but it was clear, he was sticking to his guns.
Right Ear: Alright Boston, my buddy Stringbean here will attempt to jump over, count 'em: 1...2...3...4...5...6 brothas...and one white kid (The volunteer). (Crowd laughs)
Left Ear: (Marching up and down along the crowd but staying exactly on the line) Tours begin soon... Come joins us for intrigue, deceit, and treason!! Learn about the history of this great city!
About this time a police car went flying by with its lights and sirens on and all 7 brothas simultaneously hit the deck and assumed different "I'm being arrested positions," leaving the white kid standing alone with a confused look on his face. The mostly white crowd went silent and for a second I thought things were going to get a bit awkward. It turns out that they were just inhaling really deep in order to let out a roaring raucous laughter. After the sirens died down the MC said something to the effect of "Wow, things are different here than in New York," and the crowd laughed again.
Right ear: (Dancers and white kid are lined up shoulder to shoulder and bent at the waist) Alright Boston, we have done this enough to know that as soon as Stringbean jumps over, count 'em: 1...2...3...4...5...6 brothas...and one white kid you are all going to leave. So we've gotta ask you for one favor... If you've enjoyed this show...
Left Ear: (At about this time, the crowd spilled over the line, blocking the freedom trail) Please join us...(trying to push his way through the crowd while staying on the line) Amazing tours... Um excuse me...excuse me...I'm trying to get through. Freedom Tours starting on the hour!
Right Ear: Open your wallets and take out 5... Or 10 dollars....and give us the rest (crowd laughs). No, really! If you give us 5 dollars we'll go home with full bellies...if you give us 10 dollars we'll go home feeling like we really made your day...
Left ear: (Now enveloped by the crowd, he can't move, but is determined to not get off the line) Freedom Tra...(crowd cheers) Join us at the top of the ho...(crowd applause) Learn abo...(laughter)
Right ear: And if you give us 20 dollars we'll go home... with you. No really, we'll ride home with you and do whatever you want us to. (crowd laughs)
Left ear: (Having had every attempt to yell immediately cut off by the crowd cheering for the duct taped boombox dance group, and stuck sandwiched in the enemies crowd by personal resolve to not leave the line he had no choice but to join them) Freedom tra... Excuse me... You know what... Whatever, ...GO STRINGBEAN!!!
It was at about this point we left. I don't know if Stringbean cleared, count 'em: 1...2...3...4...5...6 brothas...and one white kid, and I don't know if the crowd ever cleared enough for the Freedom tour guy to continue along his way, but I did learn two things. First, breakdancing and sideways hats will always draw a bigger crowd than history and puffy shirts and tights. And secondly, it's ok for black people to make fun of stereotypes about racial profiling in a large crowd of white people.
The Freedom trail really was a learning experience.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I can't make this stuff up...
I unwittingly turned the world of carryout pizza on its head tonight. You see, my wife refuses to eat more than 2 pieces of pizza, and I refuse to have my pizza turned into a fruit salad. It went something like this.
Me: I’d like to make a carryout order
Papa Johns: What would you like tonight?
Me: I’d like a large pizza with one quarter ham and pineapple and 3 quarters pepperoni and onions. (I guarantee alarms went off somewhere at Papa Johns central command)
Papa Johns: Oh! Did you say you want one quarter ham and pineapple?
Me: Yes
Papa Johns: Well…uh…one quarter?
Me: Yeah, its one fourth of the pizza. Half of a half.
Papa Johns: Um…huh… that would be a special order.
Me: Aren’t they all special orders?
Papa Johns: Well, I would have to transfer you for that.
Me: What? Transfer? Where am I?
Papa Johns: I can do half and half, but a quarter... (Trails off in shock then mumbles something about a special order)
Me: Ok, do what you have to. Let’s make it happen.
Papa Johns: Um…yeah…please hold.
New Papa Johns: How can I help you?
Me: I need to make a carryout order.
New Papa Johns: Ok, what’ll it be?
Me: I’d like a large pizza with one quarter ham and pineapple and 3 quarters pepperoni and onions.
New Papa Johns: Um, well…we can do half and half
Me: I don’t want half and half I want a quarter and three quarters.
New Papa Johns: I don’t know if we can do that. I’ll have to check.
Voice in background: A what? Quarters? Half, we only do halves.
New Papa Johns: We can do half and half.
Me: I got that much, but I don’t want half and half.
New Papa Johns: I don’t know what to tell you
Me: Are you serious? Since you guys are stuck on halves, can you do half of a half with ham and pineapples?
New Papa Johns: Um, a what?
Me: You know what… Never mind. You win. I’ll take half and half.
New Papa Johns: Half and Half of what?
Me: I’d like to make a carryout order
Papa Johns: What would you like tonight?
Me: I’d like a large pizza with one quarter ham and pineapple and 3 quarters pepperoni and onions. (I guarantee alarms went off somewhere at Papa Johns central command)
Papa Johns: Oh! Did you say you want one quarter ham and pineapple?
Me: Yes
Papa Johns: Well…uh…one quarter?
Me: Yeah, its one fourth of the pizza. Half of a half.
Papa Johns: Um…huh… that would be a special order.
Me: Aren’t they all special orders?
Papa Johns: Well, I would have to transfer you for that.
Me: What? Transfer? Where am I?
Papa Johns: I can do half and half, but a quarter... (Trails off in shock then mumbles something about a special order)
Me: Ok, do what you have to. Let’s make it happen.
Papa Johns: Um…yeah…please hold.
New Papa Johns: How can I help you?
Me: I need to make a carryout order.
New Papa Johns: Ok, what’ll it be?
Me: I’d like a large pizza with one quarter ham and pineapple and 3 quarters pepperoni and onions.
New Papa Johns: Um, well…we can do half and half
Me: I don’t want half and half I want a quarter and three quarters.
New Papa Johns: I don’t know if we can do that. I’ll have to check.
Voice in background: A what? Quarters? Half, we only do halves.
New Papa Johns: We can do half and half.
Me: I got that much, but I don’t want half and half.
New Papa Johns: I don’t know what to tell you
Me: Are you serious? Since you guys are stuck on halves, can you do half of a half with ham and pineapples?
New Papa Johns: Um, a what?
Me: You know what… Never mind. You win. I’ll take half and half.
New Papa Johns: Half and Half of what?
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Quitters Never Win
I received this message from my email program today.
This message has an attachment that this webmail cannot deal with. You will need to use a different mail client to access this attachment. We are sorry for the inconvience, this is a known problem and we are trying to resolve this issue.
My reply:
What!?! There lots of things in life that people can't deal with, but you deal. That's what you do! Humans don't have the luxury of flashing up some mumbo-jumbo on the screen about not being able to deal with it and not even giving it a shot. That's not the way...you'll never get ahead doing that. It's time to put on your big boy pants and step up. You know you've got a problem...NOW FIX IT. (Oh, and by the way, you misspelled "inconvenience." Unless you meant to say "inconvience." At which point I'll have to assume that it is some computer term which those of us who don't speak "nerd" wouldn't understand.)
Now if I only new how to get this message to my email computer thingy.
This message has an attachment that this webmail cannot deal with. You will need to use a different mail client to access this attachment. We are sorry for the inconvience, this is a known problem and we are trying to resolve this issue.
My reply:
What!?! There lots of things in life that people can't deal with, but you deal. That's what you do! Humans don't have the luxury of flashing up some mumbo-jumbo on the screen about not being able to deal with it and not even giving it a shot. That's not the way...you'll never get ahead doing that. It's time to put on your big boy pants and step up. You know you've got a problem...NOW FIX IT. (Oh, and by the way, you misspelled "inconvenience." Unless you meant to say "inconvience." At which point I'll have to assume that it is some computer term which those of us who don't speak "nerd" wouldn't understand.)
Now if I only new how to get this message to my email computer thingy.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
A little sarcasm goes a long way
So, I guess they can read what you type, even if you never actually "talk" to a person (see the previous post). I got this unsolicited email yesterday. I wonder if I have to claim the free tax program on my taxes next year?
TaxCut Support
From: JGriggs (http://by133w.bay133.mail.live.com/mail/ApplicationMain_12.1.0069.1213.aspx?culture=en-US&hash=107084695#)
You may not know this sender. Mark as safe Mark as unsafe
Sent: Thu 2/07/08 2:50 PM
To: jondavis234@hotmail.com
Hi Jon,
My name is John Griggs and I’m the Director of Customer Experience for H&R Block’s Digital Tax Solutions including TaxCut. I’m sorry your experience with our customer care center was not very good – although I have to appreciate your humor!
I wanted to touch base with you to see if you still have an issue and if I can get it resolved for you. Please let me know and I will make sure we take care of your issue.
I’d also like to again, apologize, but offer you free software for next year. Would you be interested?
Please let me know.
Best,
John
John GriggsDirector, Customer Experienceg H&R Block Digital Tax Solutions
TaxCut Support
From: JGriggs (http://by133w.bay133.mail.live.com/mail/ApplicationMain_12.1.0069.1213.aspx?culture=en-US&hash=107084695#)
You may not know this sender. Mark as safe Mark as unsafe
Sent: Thu 2/07/08 2:50 PM
To: jondavis234@hotmail.com
Hi Jon,
My name is John Griggs and I’m the Director of Customer Experience for H&R Block’s Digital Tax Solutions including TaxCut. I’m sorry your experience with our customer care center was not very good – although I have to appreciate your humor!
I wanted to touch base with you to see if you still have an issue and if I can get it resolved for you. Please let me know and I will make sure we take care of your issue.
I’d also like to again, apologize, but offer you free software for next year. Would you be interested?
Please let me know.
Best,
John
John GriggsDirector, Customer Experienceg H&R Block Digital Tax Solutions
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Death and Taxes
So how do you know that your taxes have gotten too complicated to do yourself? When you find yourself arguing and making sarcastic remarks directed at a computer program. This is a cry for help (With my taxes, of course). No really, anyone an accountant?
This is my "conversation" with the H&R Block "people" last night.
Welcome! I'm an automated service agent available 24/7 to answer questions about TaxCut. Remember, I'm not a live person, so please use as few words as possible when asking me a question, and only ask one question at a time.
Top Questions:
"How do I check the status of my e-filed return?"
"Where's my refund?"
"How do I e-file?"
"Printing"
"How do I change my password?"
For a list of Frequently Asked Questions, click here.
To begin type your question below and click Send.
jondavis234: where to enter 1099-G
Ask TaxCut: What is Form 1099-G?
Form 1099-G: Certain Government Payments shows payments made to a taxpayer by a government entity. These include:
· Unemployment payments
· Refunds, credits, or offsets of state or local income tax
· Alternative trade adjustment assistance (ATAA) payments
· Taxable grants
· Taxable Department of Agriculture payments
jondavis234: box 6 1099-G
Ask TaxCut: What is Form 1099-G?
Form 1099-G: Certain Government Payments shows payments made to a taxpayer by a government entity. These include:
· Unemployment payments
· Refunds, credits, or offsets of state or local income tax
· Alternative trade adjustment assistance (ATAA) payments
· Taxable grants
· Taxable Department of Agriculture payments
jondavis234: taxable grants
Ask TaxCut: What is Form 1099-G?
Form 1099-G: Certain Government Payments shows payments made to a taxpayer by a government entity. These include:
· Unemployment payments
· Refunds, credits, or offsets of state or local income tax
· Alternative trade adjustment assistance (ATAA) payments
· Taxable grants
· Taxable Department of Agriculture payments
jondavis234: Certain government payments form
Ask TaxCut: Which of the following do you mean?
1 What about tuition assistance provided by the school?
2 What if I'm receiving a Pell Grant?
3 What is Form 1099-G?
4 What are some other sources of nontaxable income?
5 What is a taxable scholarship or fellowship?
If none of these topics are relevant, type ? to see how I can help you or topics for a complete list of help topics.
jondavis234: What is this crap? you suck
Ask TaxCut: I'm sorry if I haven't been able to help you. Would you like to chat online with a Live Chat representative?
jondavis234: If you think that will help.
Ask TaxCut: It doesn’t look like I have been able to help you. Would you like to chat online with a Live Chat representative?
jondavis234: Yes!!!!
Welcome to TaxCut technical support. Please wait while we find a technical support agent to assist you.
jondavis234: Take your time
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
jondavis234: Can I sit? Ha Ha, just a little tax time joke. See you said, STAND by.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
jondavis234: No problem
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
jondavis234: Great!
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
jondavis234: What?!? You just said it would only be a moment!
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
jondavis234: This is getting ridiculous, I’d like to talk to your supervisor.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
jondavis234: I don’t want an Agent anymore, I want a supervisor. Are you even listening to me?
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
jondavis234: Now you’ve told me that before, and frankly, I’m starting to doubt your sincerity
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
jondavis234: You’re running out of time, because there is a new House on in a couple of minutes and I really like Dr. House. And now that we got this new HDTV… I don’t miss a new House in HD.
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
jondavis234: Oh, come on. My taxes are going to be late if this takes any longer.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
jondavis234: Ya know, I don’t even care anymore. Taxable…Untaxable… It’s all the same to me.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
jondavis234: For the love of all that’s holy, just let me talk to a real person!
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
jondavis234: Well, computer you’ve bested me again. Your ability to stay calm in the face of an irate customer is unmatched. I gave it all I’ve got. House is on. I’ll let you know what happens when I try this again tomorrow. Good night.
This is my "conversation" with the H&R Block "people" last night.
Welcome! I'm an automated service agent available 24/7 to answer questions about TaxCut. Remember, I'm not a live person, so please use as few words as possible when asking me a question, and only ask one question at a time.
Top Questions:
"How do I check the status of my e-filed return?"
"Where's my refund?"
"How do I e-file?"
"Printing"
"How do I change my password?"
For a list of Frequently Asked Questions, click here.
To begin type your question below and click Send.
jondavis234: where to enter 1099-G
Ask TaxCut: What is Form 1099-G?
Form 1099-G: Certain Government Payments shows payments made to a taxpayer by a government entity. These include:
· Unemployment payments
· Refunds, credits, or offsets of state or local income tax
· Alternative trade adjustment assistance (ATAA) payments
· Taxable grants
· Taxable Department of Agriculture payments
jondavis234: box 6 1099-G
Ask TaxCut: What is Form 1099-G?
Form 1099-G: Certain Government Payments shows payments made to a taxpayer by a government entity. These include:
· Unemployment payments
· Refunds, credits, or offsets of state or local income tax
· Alternative trade adjustment assistance (ATAA) payments
· Taxable grants
· Taxable Department of Agriculture payments
jondavis234: taxable grants
Ask TaxCut: What is Form 1099-G?
Form 1099-G: Certain Government Payments shows payments made to a taxpayer by a government entity. These include:
· Unemployment payments
· Refunds, credits, or offsets of state or local income tax
· Alternative trade adjustment assistance (ATAA) payments
· Taxable grants
· Taxable Department of Agriculture payments
jondavis234: Certain government payments form
Ask TaxCut: Which of the following do you mean?
1 What about tuition assistance provided by the school?
2 What if I'm receiving a Pell Grant?
3 What is Form 1099-G?
4 What are some other sources of nontaxable income?
5 What is a taxable scholarship or fellowship?
If none of these topics are relevant, type ? to see how I can help you or topics for a complete list of help topics.
jondavis234: What is this crap? you suck
Ask TaxCut: I'm sorry if I haven't been able to help you. Would you like to chat online with a Live Chat representative?
jondavis234: If you think that will help.
Ask TaxCut: It doesn’t look like I have been able to help you. Would you like to chat online with a Live Chat representative?
jondavis234: Yes!!!!
Welcome to TaxCut technical support. Please wait while we find a technical support agent to assist you.
jondavis234: Take your time
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
jondavis234: Can I sit? Ha Ha, just a little tax time joke. See you said, STAND by.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
jondavis234: No problem
The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.
jondavis234: Great!
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
jondavis234: What?!? You just said it would only be a moment!
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
jondavis234: This is getting ridiculous, I’d like to talk to your supervisor.
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jondavis234: I don’t want an Agent anymore, I want a supervisor. Are you even listening to me?
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jondavis234: Now you’ve told me that before, and frankly, I’m starting to doubt your sincerity
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jondavis234: You’re running out of time, because there is a new House on in a couple of minutes and I really like Dr. House. And now that we got this new HDTV… I don’t miss a new House in HD.
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jondavis234: Oh, come on. My taxes are going to be late if this takes any longer.
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jondavis234: Ya know, I don’t even care anymore. Taxable…Untaxable… It’s all the same to me.
An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.
jondavis234: For the love of all that’s holy, just let me talk to a real person!
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jondavis234: Well, computer you’ve bested me again. Your ability to stay calm in the face of an irate customer is unmatched. I gave it all I’ve got. House is on. I’ll let you know what happens when I try this again tomorrow. Good night.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
My Christmas Story
So, I was plucking my unibrow this morning and I realized that I totally forgot to share my Christmas story.
I was headed to the mall to complete the last of my yuletide gathering only to find out that our mall is apparently the only one on this side of the Mason-Dixon line (On a side note, that originally read “South of the Mason-Dixon line,” but I really wasn’t sure I am south of the line, and now I’ve read it so many times I’m not even sure that’s even what it is called. I guess I need to go to a remedial Southern History and Geography class). Anywho, because of the insanity of last minute shopping I end up circling the parking lot for 15 minutes trying to find an empty parking spot. I finally end up using the “Stalk the shopper method,” where you slowly creep down the aisle about 20 feet behind someone who is walking out to their car. It takes patience and its best to try to avoid people with strollers or other cumbersome items. In this situation, it was really my only option. I chose my target and executed my plan flawlessly. I clearly indicated my intention to park in the soon to be vacated spot by placing my directional indicator in the on position. As the target backed out she directed her vehicle into a spot between my car and the empty spot. In this tiny instant, the car coming the opposite direction (who had watched me wait WITH MY TURN SIGNAL ON!) swung into my parking spot. If I had gotten out and licked the parking spot I couldn’t have more clearly claimed the spot as mine. I’ll spare you the suggestions I shouted at the other driver, because they didn’t do any good then, and they won’t do any good now. Most of them involved telling him where he could go (park his car, of course).
So what now? Do I get out and say something? Do I honk my horn? Do I tell on him? Who do I tell? Is there a parking police? To calm down I kept telling myself how full of holiday cheer I was. When that didn’t work I resorted to asking myself, “What Would Jesus Do?” But the problem is, I think Jesus could probably afford the 6 bucks to have the old Chariot of Fire valet parked. Had he chosen not to and he had his spot jacked, he would probably command the earth to open and swallow the offender’s car in a deep chasm of molten fire and brimstone, thus freeing up the parking space. While I didn’t have the ability to call up fire from the bowels of the earth, I did have a softball bat in the trunk. So the following is a picture of the result.
Just kidding, I thought that me going all Sammy Sosa on the car in a packed parking lot might attract a little more attention than I was looking for. I needed something more subtle. I concocted the perfect plan. By strategically placing a small pebble in the top of each tire’s valve stem you can depress the valve thus causing the air to slowly leak out and resulting in four flat tires about an hour later. So I pulled onto a grassy spot near the perp’s car and found small rocks. As nonchalantly as possible I secreted myself into the rows of cars. I made it clear I was not going to get in my car, lest I be stalked by some crazed holiday shopper over-zealously seeking a hitching post for their iron pony. After I did the deed I then sat and watched the tires go flat and snapped a picture with my cell phone of the look on his face when he came out to four flat tires…SUCKER!!!
Alright, I didn’t do that either. So what did I do? I drove around for another 15 minutes until I could find another spot, that’s what I did. Then I wrote a story about it a month later on my blog. And to the guy who stole my spot…Merry Christmas, Buddy… Merry Christmas.
I was headed to the mall to complete the last of my yuletide gathering only to find out that our mall is apparently the only one on this side of the Mason-Dixon line (On a side note, that originally read “South of the Mason-Dixon line,” but I really wasn’t sure I am south of the line, and now I’ve read it so many times I’m not even sure that’s even what it is called. I guess I need to go to a remedial Southern History and Geography class). Anywho, because of the insanity of last minute shopping I end up circling the parking lot for 15 minutes trying to find an empty parking spot. I finally end up using the “Stalk the shopper method,” where you slowly creep down the aisle about 20 feet behind someone who is walking out to their car. It takes patience and its best to try to avoid people with strollers or other cumbersome items. In this situation, it was really my only option. I chose my target and executed my plan flawlessly. I clearly indicated my intention to park in the soon to be vacated spot by placing my directional indicator in the on position. As the target backed out she directed her vehicle into a spot between my car and the empty spot. In this tiny instant, the car coming the opposite direction (who had watched me wait WITH MY TURN SIGNAL ON!) swung into my parking spot. If I had gotten out and licked the parking spot I couldn’t have more clearly claimed the spot as mine. I’ll spare you the suggestions I shouted at the other driver, because they didn’t do any good then, and they won’t do any good now. Most of them involved telling him where he could go (park his car, of course).
So what now? Do I get out and say something? Do I honk my horn? Do I tell on him? Who do I tell? Is there a parking police? To calm down I kept telling myself how full of holiday cheer I was. When that didn’t work I resorted to asking myself, “What Would Jesus Do?” But the problem is, I think Jesus could probably afford the 6 bucks to have the old Chariot of Fire valet parked. Had he chosen not to and he had his spot jacked, he would probably command the earth to open and swallow the offender’s car in a deep chasm of molten fire and brimstone, thus freeing up the parking space. While I didn’t have the ability to call up fire from the bowels of the earth, I did have a softball bat in the trunk. So the following is a picture of the result.
Just kidding, I thought that me going all Sammy Sosa on the car in a packed parking lot might attract a little more attention than I was looking for. I needed something more subtle. I concocted the perfect plan. By strategically placing a small pebble in the top of each tire’s valve stem you can depress the valve thus causing the air to slowly leak out and resulting in four flat tires about an hour later. So I pulled onto a grassy spot near the perp’s car and found small rocks. As nonchalantly as possible I secreted myself into the rows of cars. I made it clear I was not going to get in my car, lest I be stalked by some crazed holiday shopper over-zealously seeking a hitching post for their iron pony. After I did the deed I then sat and watched the tires go flat and snapped a picture with my cell phone of the look on his face when he came out to four flat tires…SUCKER!!!
Alright, I didn’t do that either. So what did I do? I drove around for another 15 minutes until I could find another spot, that’s what I did. Then I wrote a story about it a month later on my blog. And to the guy who stole my spot…Merry Christmas, Buddy… Merry Christmas.
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