Please RSVP

I am having a party and you’re invited, maybe. If you are a citizen of the great state of North Carolina you are invited. If you are not a North Carolinian then you’re not invited. It is a theme party of sorts. You see I’m inviting all the North Carolinians to attend my I-don’t-care-if-it-is-the-South-and-you-think-you-live-life-at-a-slower-pace-this-is-how-the-rest-of-the-world-works-and-it’s-time-to-catch-up party. There will be drinks and light refreshments provided. In addition, there will be some skits put on by those who are not inbred or have lived in municipalities where greater than 50% of the population is literate.

The first skit is titled, “Despite what the New Mothers Support Group at the trailer park says, it is not ok to fill your toddler’s bottle with cola.” The idea for this skit came from a trip to the NC State Fair. I understand that junior is going to lose those teeth anyway, and by the looks of it, dental hygiene doesn’t run in the family, but for the love of all that’s holy, give him a chance.

The second skit is called, “The left lane is for passing, the right lane is for driving 12 miles below the speed limit.” In the rest of the world if you are going to drive slower than the rest of the traffic, you get in the right lane. If there are 6 lanes, I really don’t care which lane you lollygag along in, but when there are two lanes, do the right thing and move over.

The third skit is called, “Dogs belong on leashes, and kids…don’t.” This skit was also inspired by the fair. Just like dogs get a trip to puppy obedience school, kids need a little obedience training too. Try this: stop putting soda in their bottles, set some ground rules, if they break the rules, punish them, and leave the leash for the canine (that’s just a fancy word for dog). I don’t care if it looks like a monkey, you’re not tricking anyone, it is still a leash.

The fourth skit is called “It is ok to move over to let someone merge onto the highway.” This one is inspired by my drive to work every morning and is pretty self explanatory.

The fifth skit is called “Most pig race announcers don’t have pressed jeans, color coordinated shirts, and a lisp.” Again, from the fair. You’re not fooling anyone, I saw the way the livestock looked at you.

The last and final skit is called, “Whichever of you voted to ratify property tax on vehicles is a schmuck.” I got a bill in the mail the other day. Property tax on a 1991 Honda with no air conditioning and a dented quarter panel? Really? What’s next, property tax on my iron and coffee table? Need a tax base? Try tourism. Heard of it? Maybe you should check it out.