Get Your Learn On

For the last couple of years I helped mold the minds of America’s future. A scary thought, indeed. As a “Professor” of backpacking and sailing I taught them how to “Climb the mountains of life” and “Navigate the seas of uncertainty” and other similarly cheesy and absurd topics. After reading the following conversations you may be convinced I failed, however, at times, I don’t think I was given a whole lot to work with.

Backpacking class, lecture on food.

Me: Any ideas on foods to bring for dinner?
Girl: (enthusiastically) Easy Mac
Me: Ok, let’s talk about Easy Mac. How do you cook it?
Girl: Microwave
Me: Just so I know we’re on the same page here, we’re talking about backpacking foods, right?
Girl: Uh huh
Me: So you want to cook Easy Mac on your trip?
Girl: Yep
Me: So after we hike 6 miles into the woods you want to cook Easy Mac?
Girl: (Starting to get frustrated and feeling singled out) Yeah, why?
Me: And how are you going to cook it?
Girl: In a microwave
Me: So you’re going to hike 6 miles and then cook Easy Mac in a microwave?
Girl: (Really frustrated and starting to give me the stink eye) YES!
Me: And you don’t see any problems with this?
Girl: What?!?
Me: Nothing, sounds like a great plan. Bring enough for your group.



Same class, different girl


After hiking several miles along a river my backpacking class stopped to take a break at the bridge that would allow them to cross the river and continue down the other side of the river to their campsite for the night. The bridge looked similar to this one; a two lane highway, stripes down the middle and sides, and guardrails. After resting for a few minutes I gathered the troops and we got ready to start hiking again. The conversation went something like this:



Me: You guys ready to get going again?



(undergraduates are like a school of little fish: they cluster together, move around a lot, and nobody wants to stand out so much they get eaten (or called on in class). So consider their comments to be all be simultaneous and mumbled)



Mumblings from class: Alright. Ok. Already? Let's go. Do we have to? Fine.



As we started to hike across the bridge as a class, a girl made a loud announcement to everyone.



Girl: (loudly and as if making a discovery) I think this bridge is man-made!

Me: (under my breath) this oughta be good

Crickets: Chirp, chirp, chirp



The class literally stopped in their tracks to hear what she had to say next. Surely this couldn't be the extent of her announcement. There must be some explanation as to how she came to her earth shattering discovery.



The awkward silence continued on, and the tension building. The school of undergrads started to stir and some mutterings could be heard from the masses.

Mumblings from class: What did she say? Huh? What? She's so pretty! What? What an idiot! I think she's right. Huh?

It soon became clear that there was nothing else coming that would help to explain what she was talking about. That was when one of her classmates swam clear of the school and let his voice be heard.

Guy: (in his best documentary narrators voice and mocking tone) Since the beginning of time this bridge has stood here. Through the first ice age it withstood the elements. In the Jurassic Period dinosaurs used it to cross the river.

The laughter eventually died down, and for the remainder of the trip, anytime there was a culvert, telephone pole, or train tracks, someone would invariably let the class know that they thought it was man made.

If all went as planned, she should be finishing law school shortly. If your lawyer in the future is a UF alumni, your first question should be whether or not she took my backpacking class. If the answer is yes, take my advice, and just get up and walk out.