The South Will Rise Again

I wanted to share a couple of conversations I had in the last week.

Me: How are you doing today? Can I help you find something?
Guy: What uhh... What uhh... What's the name of your store?
Me: The Great Outdoor Provision Company
Guy: Yeah, uhh... pro..provis... (long pause) so ya'll provide stuff?
Me: Sure, I guess you could say that
Guy: Well, do ya'll provide shotguns?
me: Shotguns? No sir, we don't carry shotguns, or any guns for that matter.
Guy: Well, crap.
me: Ok?
Guy: (frustrated) Man, I been everywhere and ain't no one got no shotguns.
me: You really need a shotgun, huh?
Guy: Sure do. The wife says to just get me a hand gun, but ain't no way I'd hit 'em with a hand gun.
me: If you don't mind me asking, who are you shooting at?
Guy: Them robbers, out where we is, they just kick down the door, they don't care if you there or not. Like 40 houses been robbed.
me: Robbers. Of course.
Guy: That's why I want a shotgun, just one of them sawed off numbers with a pistol grip.
Me: Pistol grip? And you can't find one of those?
Guy: Nope, been to the Walmart and to the Dick's. They got anything you want to stab somebody, or beat somebody, but no sawed off shotguns. (This is my favorite part) I guess I'm gonna have to go see them gangbangers.
Me: Gangbangers? (making his way to the door)
Guy: Yeah, gangbangers can get anything.
Me: I bet they can. Thanks for coming in. Good luck.

New Story

Me: Can I help you find something?
Dude: Yeah, you got one of these? (turns around and points to the back of his shirt which has a mostly naked girl steering a ship and says "3rd annual east coast island cruise"
Me: One of...what?
Dude: These! (Points again to the picture on the back of his shirt)
me: Right... a mostly naked chick?
Dude: No man...that glasses thang. (upon further inspection the girl is holding an easily missed pirates spyglass, definitely not the most prominate feature in the picture)
me: A spyglass?
dude: Yep, you got one of them?
me: We have binoculars
dude: Anyone's got binoculars. You got one of them thangs?
me: Nope, I think we sold the last one in 1650.
dude: Oh, you gonna get more?
me: Pretty sure we aren't
dude: You know where I can get one?
me: Sure don't.
dude:I bet the Internet has one (by the way he said it, I guarantee he thinks the Internet is a place). The Walmart has them, but only at Christmas.
me: Why would they have spyglasses at Christmas?
dude: Huh?
me: Nothing
dude: Well, you got any captains hats
me: Are you a captain?
dude: Naw
me: What type of captains hat are you looking for?
dude: (spins and points to the half naked chick whose also happens to be wearing a hat)
me: Of course.
dude: You got them?
me: Nope, fresh out.
dude: Oh, guess I have to go to the Internet.
me: Probably your best bet.

The moral? North Florida is the minor leagues compared to NC when it comes to "laid back country folk" and them good old boys. Sometimes you have to move 500 miles north to get to the South.