I wanted to share a couple of conversations I had in the last week.
Me: How are you doing today? Can I help you find something?
Guy: What uhh... What uhh... What's the name of your store?
Me: The Great Outdoor Provision Company
Guy: Yeah, uhh... pro..provis... (long pause) so ya'll provide stuff?
Me: Sure, I guess you could say that
Guy: Well, do ya'll provide shotguns?
me: Shotguns? No sir, we don't carry shotguns, or any guns for that matter.
Guy: Well, crap.
me: Ok?
Guy: (frustrated) Man, I been everywhere and ain't no one got no shotguns.
me: You really need a shotgun, huh?
Guy: Sure do. The wife says to just get me a hand gun, but ain't no way I'd hit 'em with a hand gun.
me: If you don't mind me asking, who are you shooting at?
Guy: Them robbers, out where we is, they just kick down the door, they don't care if you there or not. Like 40 houses been robbed.
me: Robbers. Of course.
Guy: That's why I want a shotgun, just one of them sawed off numbers with a pistol grip.
Me: Pistol grip? And you can't find one of those?
Guy: Nope, been to the Walmart and to the Dick's. They got anything you want to stab somebody, or beat somebody, but no sawed off shotguns. (This is my favorite part) I guess I'm gonna have to go see them gangbangers.
Me: Gangbangers? (making his way to the door)
Guy: Yeah, gangbangers can get anything.
Me: I bet they can. Thanks for coming in. Good luck.
New Story
Me: Can I help you find something?
Dude: Yeah, you got one of these? (turns around and points to the back of his shirt which has a mostly naked girl steering a ship and says "3rd annual east coast island cruise"
Me: One of...what?
Dude: These! (Points again to the picture on the back of his shirt)
me: Right... a mostly naked chick?
Dude: No man...that glasses thang. (upon further inspection the girl is holding an easily missed pirates spyglass, definitely not the most prominate feature in the picture)
me: A spyglass?
dude: Yep, you got one of them?
me: We have binoculars
dude: Anyone's got binoculars. You got one of them thangs?
me: Nope, I think we sold the last one in 1650.
dude: Oh, you gonna get more?
me: Pretty sure we aren't
dude: You know where I can get one?
me: Sure don't.
dude:I bet the Internet has one (by the way he said it, I guarantee he thinks the Internet is a place). The Walmart has them, but only at Christmas.
me: Why would they have spyglasses at Christmas?
dude: Huh?
me: Nothing
dude: Well, you got any captains hats
me: Are you a captain?
dude: Naw
me: What type of captains hat are you looking for?
dude: (spins and points to the half naked chick whose also happens to be wearing a hat)
me: Of course.
dude: You got them?
me: Nope, fresh out.
dude: Oh, guess I have to go to the Internet.
me: Probably your best bet.
The moral? North Florida is the minor leagues compared to NC when it comes to "laid back country folk" and them good old boys. Sometimes you have to move 500 miles north to get to the South.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Mother Goose
The other day on the way to work I passed a bus that caught my attention. This was clearly an old school bus that had been repainted by someone who does not repaint buses for a living. It was reminiscent of the buses that I used to see in South Florida taking migrant workers to the tomato fields. But it wasn't so much the bus, as the writing on the side of the bus, that really got me thinking. It said, "Humpty Dumpty's Day Care." Now, I couldn't remember exactly what old Humpty was famous for. All I could remember was "The Humpty Dance," but I think that might be a different guy. Either way I didn't think it was related to child care. After having my wife explain Mr. Dumpty's story, I was all the more confused. Basically this guy sat on a wall, fell off, and broke into pieces. That must have been one heck of a fall. The only people I know that sit on and fall off of walls on a regular basis are drunk and/ or homeless people. And it is usually on walls specifically marked, "No sitting." I don't really think either are qualified to watch children. I really am perplexed. Had it said, "Peter Pan's Pilot Service," I would understand. Peter Pan obviously has some flight time under his belt. Rapunzel's salon? Sure, it just makes sense. Someone with a weave that doubles as a rappelling rope probably knows a thing or two about hair. Need to climb a mountain? I'd probably give Jack or Jill a call. Need to come down from a mountain? They may not be the best people to take the lead on that one. Anyway, my point is if you are going to name a business after someone famous, for the sake of people like me, make it applicable. I just spent a day and a half trying to link Humpty Dumpty to child care and I really just don't think this Mr. Dumpty, with his propensity for laziness and instability, is the best role model for your little ones. I think "Mother Goose's Child Care," might be the better choice. Just a thought.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Dear Madam or Sir Tire King
August 9, 2007
Tire King
PO Box 1928
Durham, NC 27702
Dear Madam or Sir Tire King,
After spending a couple of hours in your Durham location on South Miami Blvd I thought I would write you a letter and let you know a little about your customers. The first thing you must know is that your customer is not generally going to be happy to begin with. Let’s face it, you're not running an amusement park. Nothing good can come from a visit to your shop. The very fact that I am in your shop means that my life has already been inconvenienced. No one wants to pay $400 for a part they can’t see and have no idea what it does. In my case, the state of North Carolina decided that I need to pay you $30 to tell me that my windshield wipers and turn signals work. Now, I’m sure there is more to it than that, but as a customer I skim the list of requirements and because I think the whole thing is stupid to begin with, I focus on the most ridiculous thing and that’s what I cling to. So in my mind I am paying you $30 to flip the turn signals on, which is dumb, because I rarely use them anyway.
The next thing you should know is that if I am waiting for my car, I don’t want to see your employees standing or, in my case, sitting around. You know that huge picture window you provided in the customer waiting room that overlooks the work area? It works. You can see through it. Think of it like being at the zoo and your employees are the animals. Instead of hearing, “Mommy, Mommy, the monkey is eating its poop!” you hear, “Mommy, Mommy, that mechanic hasn’t moved in half an hour, I think he’s dead.” At my trip to the Mechanic Zoo I got to see lots of action. I wasn’t really paying attention until I realized that there were two mechanics (in the customer’s eyes anyone in that area with a little grease on them or the mandatory two-toned button-down shirt is a mechanic) that hadn’t moved from their little rolling chairs in over half an hour. From that point on, mechanic watching became a spectator sport. In the next hour and a half I witnessed three trips to the vending machine, four cigarettes, one forward kick and two roundhouse kicks to the car lift, an impressive show of text-messaging while rolling around the room, what appeared to be reading of the side of several aerosol cans, mock swinging from the air hoses suspended from the ceiling, and a world-record-pace sprint across the entire floor to answer a cell phone. What I didn’t witness was any mechanic-ing. No tire pressure checked, no fan belts changed, not even the floor swept, and what I am really concerned with, no turn signal inspecting. All of this brings me to my last glimpse into the black hole that is the customer’s psyche.
When you are in the wrong (perhaps when a customer points out that two of your employees have been sitting around for two hours) and it is obvious by the look on your face that you know you are in the wrong, just admit it. The customer isn’t interested in your excuses because, unlike your employees, I am not getting paid for sitting around. I don’t care if you are “short-handed.” Of course you’re “short-handed,” because two of your employees aren’t doing anything. I also don’t care that neither of those guys could have done my inspection because they aren’t licensed by the state. In my mind, there are lots of things they could have been doing. Perhaps they could help the one guy that is licensed to do inspections finish whatever he is doing so he could do my inspection. Or even studying for the state inspection exam might be a good use of their time. That way maybe next time you won’t be “short-handed.”
As a customer, I am sophisticated. I know that it is six to ten times more expensive to get a new customer than it is to retain an existing one. I also know that a satisfied customer usually tells three people about their experience, whereas an unsatisfied customer will tell nine people about their experience. In this case, I hope both of these are true. I hope you have to work hard and pay a lot to replace me. As for that second fact, I know it will be true, as I posted this on the internet prior to sending it to you.
This letter was just meant to give you a peek of what I experienced in my one (and only) visit to your facility. Take it for what its worth. Hang it up, throw it away, or laugh at it- I don’t care. My work here is done.
Tire King
PO Box 1928
Durham, NC 27702
Dear Madam or Sir Tire King,
After spending a couple of hours in your Durham location on South Miami Blvd I thought I would write you a letter and let you know a little about your customers. The first thing you must know is that your customer is not generally going to be happy to begin with. Let’s face it, you're not running an amusement park. Nothing good can come from a visit to your shop. The very fact that I am in your shop means that my life has already been inconvenienced. No one wants to pay $400 for a part they can’t see and have no idea what it does. In my case, the state of North Carolina decided that I need to pay you $30 to tell me that my windshield wipers and turn signals work. Now, I’m sure there is more to it than that, but as a customer I skim the list of requirements and because I think the whole thing is stupid to begin with, I focus on the most ridiculous thing and that’s what I cling to. So in my mind I am paying you $30 to flip the turn signals on, which is dumb, because I rarely use them anyway.
The next thing you should know is that if I am waiting for my car, I don’t want to see your employees standing or, in my case, sitting around. You know that huge picture window you provided in the customer waiting room that overlooks the work area? It works. You can see through it. Think of it like being at the zoo and your employees are the animals. Instead of hearing, “Mommy, Mommy, the monkey is eating its poop!” you hear, “Mommy, Mommy, that mechanic hasn’t moved in half an hour, I think he’s dead.” At my trip to the Mechanic Zoo I got to see lots of action. I wasn’t really paying attention until I realized that there were two mechanics (in the customer’s eyes anyone in that area with a little grease on them or the mandatory two-toned button-down shirt is a mechanic) that hadn’t moved from their little rolling chairs in over half an hour. From that point on, mechanic watching became a spectator sport. In the next hour and a half I witnessed three trips to the vending machine, four cigarettes, one forward kick and two roundhouse kicks to the car lift, an impressive show of text-messaging while rolling around the room, what appeared to be reading of the side of several aerosol cans, mock swinging from the air hoses suspended from the ceiling, and a world-record-pace sprint across the entire floor to answer a cell phone. What I didn’t witness was any mechanic-ing. No tire pressure checked, no fan belts changed, not even the floor swept, and what I am really concerned with, no turn signal inspecting. All of this brings me to my last glimpse into the black hole that is the customer’s psyche.
When you are in the wrong (perhaps when a customer points out that two of your employees have been sitting around for two hours) and it is obvious by the look on your face that you know you are in the wrong, just admit it. The customer isn’t interested in your excuses because, unlike your employees, I am not getting paid for sitting around. I don’t care if you are “short-handed.” Of course you’re “short-handed,” because two of your employees aren’t doing anything. I also don’t care that neither of those guys could have done my inspection because they aren’t licensed by the state. In my mind, there are lots of things they could have been doing. Perhaps they could help the one guy that is licensed to do inspections finish whatever he is doing so he could do my inspection. Or even studying for the state inspection exam might be a good use of their time. That way maybe next time you won’t be “short-handed.”
As a customer, I am sophisticated. I know that it is six to ten times more expensive to get a new customer than it is to retain an existing one. I also know that a satisfied customer usually tells three people about their experience, whereas an unsatisfied customer will tell nine people about their experience. In this case, I hope both of these are true. I hope you have to work hard and pay a lot to replace me. As for that second fact, I know it will be true, as I posted this on the internet prior to sending it to you.
This letter was just meant to give you a peek of what I experienced in my one (and only) visit to your facility. Take it for what its worth. Hang it up, throw it away, or laugh at it- I don’t care. My work here is done.
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