Game Theory

Back when I was an undergrad in college I used to play a little game to pass the time as I walked to class. I have recently considered resurrecting the game and thought it may be useful to those of you who are looking to spice up your life a little.

First, a little background. At the University of Florida there is something like 45 or 50,000 students. The university decided that in order to better serve the students they would make available parking for those students who would rather not spend 30 minutes sitting on a bus with their face in the armpit of some foreign exchange student who has not made bathing or deodorant a regular part of their daily routine. Being the generous institution that they are, they give a parking space to every student. That is, every student who is willing to pay $300 a semester for some magic colored sticker, who arrives before 7am, and drives an earth-tone-compact-hybrid. So, needless to say, those 12 spots fill up pretty quickly. For the rest of us who still refuse public transportation, the only option is to pick the closest zip code between Jacksonville and Orlando and park there and then walk to campus. I was lucky in that my walking time was only 5-10 minutes longer than it took to drive to campus. I knew a kid who had to camp overnight on his trek from his car to campus. He had to carry a tent and sleeping bag in addition to his books. Alright, that last part was a blatant lie, but tell me that wouldn’t be a good story.

Anyway, let’s focus here. On my daily walk I happened to pass the Delta… Gamma… Slamma… Ramma… something or other... sorority. On a funny side note, later when I was teaching classes one of my students told me it was a “B” grade sorority for fat chicks and those otherwise deemed unworthy of “A” grade sororities. After hearing that, I thought it would be funny if they had a 24-hour buffet inside or Tivo-ed episodes of “The Swan” or “Extreme Makeover” playing on a loop. I was always afraid to look too hard as I think campus security looks down on dudes peering in the windows of a sorority house (even if it is “B” grade). One day I was walking past the bike rack of the sorority house when I noticed that one of the bikes was not locked up. Now, it is not that the owner was too lazy to lock it up. The owner had in fact taken time to carefully wind a lock through the bike rack and around the frame of the bike, but had managed to some how miss going through the frame or anything else that would have permanently anchored the bike to the rack. My initial thought was that it wasn’t just the girls’ looks that were “B” grade. It took me two tries and two years at community college to get into UF and they let in some moron who can’t even lock up her bike. I bet she got a scholarship too.

I don't remember for sure if I was running late, but for the sake of making the story better let's assume I was. So here I was, running late, looking at this bike that wasn't really locked up and the thought occurred to me, "You could just borrow the bike, ride it to class, and bring it back. No one would have to know." It would have cut my commute time in half. Now, I consider myself a fairly honest person... I give back the money when a cashier gives me too much change, I don't claim frivolous items on my taxes, I don't steal babies and sell them on EBay, but I was seriously contemplating "borrowing" that bike. Who wouldn't?

In the end, I didn’t have what the kids these days might call, “The balls” to steal the bike. I would like to think it had something to do with my quality upbringing, but in reality I’ve seen the Shawshank Redemption and I’ve seen what happens to people like me in prison. I don’t feel like at this point in my life I am ready to join a hate group in order to ensure my survival in “The Joint.”

As I continued on my trek to class (minus one perfectly good bike) I got to thinking… I hope I get credit, somehow, in the overall scheme of things for not stealing that bike. Then I thought, “Why wait?”

And I gave myself one point.

And thus the game began. You assign yourself points for NOT doing things. For example, throughout the next few weeks I racked up a record number of points (of course it was a record, I just made it up… so no one else had ever scored any points) for things like: Not pretending to not see the skateboarder and running him into the grass (3 points), not bumping into the girl with an armful of books and hot coffee causing her irreparable burn damage to her face and hands, thus forcing her to join the “B” grade sorority (5 points), not parking over the line making the spot next to me unusable by anything other than a motorcycle (1 point), and not pretending to not see and hear the person yelling, “Hold the elevator!” (2 points). If you’ll notice, the items that could potentially cause bodily or emotional harm receive a higher point value than the relatively innocuous items.

So, if you’re a little bored in the office, try instituting your own version of the game. For example, not leaving an empty roll of toilet paper in the company bathroom after your bad Chinese food episode could get you 2 points, not ignoring emails from “the annoying guy” might net you 1 point, and not pouring minute amounts of antifreeze into your evil bosses coffee everyday, causing a slow but violent and nearly untraceable death (I watched “Cold Case Files” last night) could land you a whopping 8 points… that’s a pretty big one.

Anyway, it is the perfect game. It’s easy to play, entertaining, and it folds up into a convenient travel sized case. Enjoy.